Tonight I’m staying home to shave my junk. How’s that for an opening line? Did it capture your attention? It sure as hell captured mine. I mean, how could it not? I’m standing here with my pants around my ankles and a razor in my hand. Clarity, people. Absolute and total clarity.
So tonight I’m manscaping. You know, tending to my body hair in a way that sounds slightly gay but is just manly enough that I’m actually willing to admit that I do it. Summer is just around the corner, and I need to work on some areas of the yard that may have seen some neglect over the winter months. Don’t get me wrong: I don’t look like the offspring of Robin Williams and Steve Carell, I just need to weed the garden a little bit. You know, shape the bushes. Mow the lawn. Sorry, I’ll stop now.
I started self-grooming back in college. I was broke and I needed a haircut, so I taught myself how to cut my own hair. In fact, I still cut my own hair today. But “cut” may be a bit misleading. I just punch at my head with a pair of clippers until I look somewhat presentable. It’s a skill set that lands somewhere between using a Flowbee (if you don’t know, don’t ask) and working at Supercuts. I get the job done, but every once in a while I end up looking like the family pet after it’s been spayed: irregular patches of hair and exposed skin everywhere. I’d put a plastic cone around my head to hide the damage, but then I wouldn’t be able to lick myself.
My preferred grooming tools are a set of clippers, a razor, and a pair of tweezers. I don’t do wax. For me, that’s the Mason-Dixon Line of male coiffing. I suppose arguments can be made for waxing your chest, but your crotch? Seriously? Ladies, my hat is off to you.Your willingness to withstand pain and embarrassment to have an attractive hooha does not go unnoticed. I mean, the people who perform this task aren’t even doctors. Hell, you can have it done at the mall! “Hey, honey. How was shopping?” “It was great! I bought the cutest little butter dish at Crate & Barrel, and then I let a total stranger rip all the hair from my groin area.” Amazing.
(By the way, since I’m clearly experienced in these matters, here’s a little suggestion for my European readers: when manscaping, don’t forget your secondary growth areas. Armpits, eyebrows, knuckles, and toes are just as important as anywhere else. It’s all about consistency, my Scooziloving friends. Sure, your freshly primped chest looks great hanging out of that AX shirt, but you look like you have spiders growing from the tops of your feet. Trim them or lose the flipflops, okay?)
I’m almost finished. My hair has been cut, my beard and chest trimmed, and I’ve even plucked a few of those random whiskers that appear in places I’d rather they not. Now if you’ll excuse me, I really need to focus. Call me crazy, but if I screw up trimming this final area, one thing I certainly won’t be is nuts.
