Saturday Night Live
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by Michael Diskin |
November 14, 2008
Adventures in going out, staying in, and acting up When it comes to birthdays, I believe most people fall into one of two categories: those who celebrate them, and those who don’t. I’m firmly in the latter category. I’ve never been a big fan of tooting...
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by Michael Diskin |
November 03, 2008
I'm the weirdo of my family — that’s for sure. They love me; they just don’t get me. It seems they have a hard time understanding what it is that makes me tick. I like to put Tabasco sauce on my baked potato; I wear sneakers with a suit; and I’m a...
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by Michael Diskin |
October 17, 2008
It’s a gorgeous Saturday night and I have absolutely nothing to do. Normally I wouldn’t care, but, as we all know, the town clown has a job to do. The villagers must be entertained. I’m expected to eat something foul, drink way too much, or end up reflecting...
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by Michael Diskin |
October 03, 2008
Before I tell you what I’m doing tonight, I need you to promise you won’t hate on me. I need you to say, “Mike, we realize your job forces you to work on weekends and quite often requires you to attend elaborate events that sometimes you would rather...
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by Michael Diskin |
September 22, 2008
So, show of hands: who here has a hobby? You know, something you do during your personal time that you find enjoyable. And no, I’m sorry: for the sake of this conversation, masturbation does not count. (Ha! Look at all you fareaks lowering your hands...
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by Michael Diskin |
September 08, 2008
I move more than an overly caffeinated epileptic on roller skates. It’s as if I get off on the smell of a UHaul truck. Ah, yes, breathe it in. it smells of sofa farts and sweat, doesn’t it? That distinctive odor can only mean one thing: it’s September...
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by Michael Diskin |
August 25, 2008
Last night I took it easy. I had a fun but extremely low-key evening. So when I wake up this morning, I feel great. My exemplary Saturdaynight behavior has been rewarded. The allknowing hangover gods looked down upon me and said, “Let this man have a...
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by Michael Diskin |
July 25, 2008
Tonight I'm watching two grown men beat the snot out of each other. It’s a bit ridiculous. These guys are well into their 30s; they’re dressed professionally; they’re drinking in a fairly respectable establishment; and they’re pitching fists at each...
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by Michael Diskin |
July 11, 2008
I love to dress up. Calm down, pervert — not in that way. I’m talking about putting on a nice suit or a classic tux for a night out on the town. Now, you financial boys are like, “Dude, I wear a fucking suit to work every day and I hate it.” Well, guess...
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by Michael Diskin |
June 23, 2008
This week I’m hanging out in the land of crabs and bad fashion. No, silly, I’m not stage-side at the Squire; I’m on Nantucket for Figawi. (That’s an ancient nautical word that means “Shit! I just dumped my Bloody Mary on my sky-blue Lobster-print pants...
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by Michael Diskin |
June 13, 2008
I’m a VIP. Or so I’m told. I get invited to all sorts of openings, charity events, and other soirées. I’m given wristbands that get me into the “real” party; I’m often given free drinks when I walk up to a bar; and yes, I’m the guy you hate who walks...
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by Michael Diskin |
May 30, 2008
Tonight I’m staying home to shave my junk. How’s that for an opening line? Did it capture your attention? It sure as hell captured mine. I mean, how could it not? I’m standing here with my pants around my ankles and a razor in my hand. Clarity, people...
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by Michael Diskin |
May 19, 2008
(UM, MY Saturday night kinda sucked, so let’s talk about Friday night, okay? Cool.) It’s 7 p.m. on Friday night and the temperature is 75 degrees. Fucking fantastic. Is there really anything better than that first warm weekend night after a long, cold...
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by Michael Diskin |
May 05, 2008
TONIGHT I'M doing something that I haven't done in more than eight years. Would you like to take a guess? No smartass, I trimmed my nose hairs just last week. Try again. Wrong: I eat at McDonald's almost every time I'm really hung over...
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by Michael Diskin |
April 22, 2008
THIS SATURDAY night I’m having dinner with my ex-wife. What, I’ve never mentioned her before? Hmm ... thought I had. I mean, I’ve admitted to eating my own garbage and I’ve even shown you a photo of my hideous golf-themed pajama bottoms. One would think...
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