Sex

It’s been an interesting few months. I’ve received letters from readers ranging from multi-page diatribes to essays titled “Why Men Don’t Have Friends and Why Women Should Care.” While I’d love to share them all with you, I’ve selected some of the finer excerpts from the freaky and frustrated fans out there. (All letters have been edited for brevity.)

Today I took a short trip. I accompanied my wife for a follow-up appointment from surgery. While I waited I noticed a paperback magazine laying on a table in the waiting room. The young lady pictured on the front of this magazine was very pretty. I wasn’t at all interested in reading this magazine, however I wanted to see more pictures of that girl. As I went through this magazine I noticed a story you wrote called “Saints and Sinners” [3.11.08]. One of the subjects you wrote about was Hell. I can’t say that I have experienced Hell myself, however I do know it exists. I must tell you that I do not want anything from you but a small portion of your time. I write this email to you with the purest of intentions. For now visit this site, www.spiritlessons.com. Peace be with you and may God bless you.
Sweet Jesus

Dear Sweet Jesus,
I had to include this message to share the amazing information available on your Web site to help rid us of our evil, sexual thoughts. I was particularly moved by your powerful video called “Hell is Real, I Know, I Went There!”, the book “Heaven is So Real!”, and the 11 free Christian posters — “uncopyrighted and full of scripture.” I might be a snatch-eating weirdo who goes on the occasional stripper binge, but you people really need to be caged. Rot in Hell for thinking a model was pretty.

I have been wondering if you could help me with this issue that I have been facing for almost 10 years now. My life completely changed at the age of 22, just after I graduated college. I suffered a hemorrhagic brainstem stroke that left me with physical disabilities. I have difficulty walking and with fine motor skills. I am again on my feet and not in a wheelchair, but still face a difficult life and many challenges socially. I am a young man about six feet, with dark hair and brown eyes, athletic shape, about 180. I would like to meet a nice young lady who wants to be more than just a friend. I was not born with a disability and I am not like everyone else because I do have physical impairments, which has left me in the middle. It would be ideal if I could meet a young lady who became disabled due to surgery, illness, or accident. Maybe you have suggestions about how I can have a better social life, date again, and meet someone who understands my situation.
Disabled Dude

Dear Disabled Dude,
You break my damn heart every time you send me one of these letters, and I apologize for not responding sooner or more appropriately to any of them. But I thought perhaps rather than giving you some false wisdom about all that’s out there for you, I’d throw this one out to readers and see if anyone has a mate in mind for you. If there’s a woman out there who wants to meet this persistent, confident, available guy, I would be happy to play matchmaker. Drop me a line.

I enjoyed reading your article in Stuff@night called “Disappearing Acts” [6.17.08]. As a heterosexual female, I can assure you that male and female couples face the very same issues. Once you like someone or become involved with someone, nine times out of 10, that person seems to encompass your life. You make a valid point that once you disappear from the social scene, the longer you are away and the older you get, the harder it is to break back in. But maybe it was worth it for the experience, either good or bad. Like that saying goes, “Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.” It sounds like you were very hurt by that relationship that encouraged you to uproot your life. That can be damaging to anyone, but I hope it doesn’t hurt your own quest to find true love.
Hopeful Hetero

Dear Hopeful Hetero,
Last night my friend said to me, “Hey, remember the time your girlfriend OD’d and lost her faculties in my front seat?” The crowd erupted in laughter. Yeah. “Damaging” is probably an understatement if we’re chronicling the effects of my past relationships. So while I appreciate your supportive adage about love, I tend to rely instead on the inspirational words of Mr. James Brown: “Can we hit it and quit?”

Me, I’m a hetero guy! I am so attracted to women but it is practically useless, as I can’t seem to get the one that I want. The way most women act around these parts, they are about as interested in sex as a liberal from Cambridge is in voting for another George Bush! Albeit, if I was super rich and sucked up to them in ways that pedestalize them, they’d probably give it up. But until that happens, a normal guy is just another alsoran! I actually welcome the day that the Viagra train pulls up at my back door so I won’t have that hard, wet feeling in my pants.
Mr. Hard and Wet

Dear Mr. Hard and Wet,
I know plenty of women in these parts who are very interested in sex. They’re just not interested in sex with you. I am so sick of men talking about Boston women as if we’re vapid, moneygrubbing whores. Last time I checked, it was the 21st century and some of us actually had degrees and jobs. So when that Viagra train does pull up at your door, rest assured that you’ll have all the time in the world to keep fucking yourself.

Jeannie Greeley is a freelance writer who really wants to find Disabled Dude a nice woman, even if she can’t find one for herself. Send your letters to jeannieg@comcast.net.