Sex

Fruitcake, Saran Wrap, and Papier-Mâché Dildos

Jeannie Greeley — Mon, 15 Dec 2008 22:32:00 GMT

A holiday sex quiz by Jeannie Greeley and Sureyya Moschella Due to the overwhelming success of last year’s holiday sex quiz, after which I was asked to create sex quizzes for Flag Day, Veterans’ Day, and Easter, I decided to whip up another festive installment. Once again, I solicited the help of British-statistician-turned go-go-dancer Sureyya Moschella. 1. What Christmas carol best represents your sex life, and why? X: “White Christmas,” because I’m untouched like virgin...

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Two Legs, Over Sleazy

Jeannie Greeley — Sat, 29 Nov 2008 18:16:00 GMT

The joys of morning sex Is there anything better than a hot gale of gnarly breath in the face to get you in the mood? How about smeared day-old makeup, or the stench of last night’s cigarettes and beer? Crusty eyes, anyone? If these appalling images sound like a collection of the world’s greatest turn-offs, apparently you weren’t listening hard enough when Diana Ross crooned about being touched in the morning. Despite its decidedly less-than-sexy reputation, morning sex is a personal favorite...

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Money Talks

Jeannie Greeley — Fri, 14 Nov 2008 21:35:00 GMT

Balancing finances in a relationship There is a simple mantra in my relationship lately: “No fighting.” It has nothing to do with the occasional fit of rage or emotional flare-up. It came about to reduce the animated sparring matches that erupt in restaurants upon the delivery of the bill, when each of us break into a martial-arts routine to prevent the other from picking up the tab. Our exhaustion from this game led to the “no fighting” declaration. Now whoever utters it first wins the...

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In the sack: Letters from readers, November 4, 2008

Jeannie Greeley — Tue, 04 Nov 2008 03:19:00 GMT

You guys know the deal with this. You ramble; I bite. Please keep the brilliant correspondence coming. Your column [on bowel movements in a relationship] was both funny and engaging. You should be aware that this phobia is a pretty uniquely feminine issue. Guys have no problems talking about it or even blasting the bowl noisily and odiferously in adjacent stalls. Dutch ovening (if you’re not familiar with the term, Google it) with significant others is a not-uncommon occurrence,...

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There Goes The Bride

Jeannie Greeley — Mon, 20 Oct 2008 17:07:00 GMT

A matrimonial experiment Metal clamps are fastened on my back and my limbs are contorted like a praying mantis. I fall backward into the arms of a man who gently lays me on the ground in a sea of white. To the average person, this probably sounds like a terrifying scene from the nuthouse, with the patient stuffed into a straightjacket. For me, it’s just about the equivalent: a day spent in a wedding gown. But sometimes the opportunity to get a taste of normalcy is so tempting that I...

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On the couch with a jailhouse lover

Jeannie Greeley — Fri, 03 Oct 2008 18:29:00 GMT

She had searched the bars. She had haunted the nightclubs. All the while, a toxic relationship plagued her every move. After years of spiraling downward into debauchery, my longtime friend finally hit rock bottom and wound up in jail. Never did she imagine that this hellhole would become her haven, the place where she’d meet the girl she now calls her soulmate. This is one woman’s story of personal triumph in the face of fat, scary drug addicts in muumuus. (Both women’s names have been...

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#2 with your #1

Jeannie Greeley — Mon, 22 Sep 2008 20:39:00 GMT

Sure, Everybody Poops. But Do They Have To Do It When I’m Around? Once upon a time I was falling in love with a woman. And then she pooped. Everyone poops, people protest when I mention my relationship pet peeve. This I know. It was how it was done that disturbed me so much: one stray pellet carelessly left floating for me to discover. At that moment, she fell from her tower. That one little nugget came to symbolize everything that was wrong with a relationship hopelessly out...

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Puma power

Jeannie Greeley — Tue, 09 Sep 2008 02:00:00 GMT

Navigating the urban jungle sometimes means having sex with younger people. Is there anything wrong with that? I lurk in the shadows at seedy bars, stalking my prey with their dewy faces and high cheekbones. I wait for them to grow distracted by their new iPhones, and then I pounce. I am puma, hear me . . . hiss? “Puma.” I hadn’t heard of the classification until a friend gave me the label when I was extolling the virtues of sex with women born when I was in high school. Tired of the...

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In the sack: August 26, 2008

Jeannie Greeley — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 19:35:00 GMT

It’s been an interesting few months. I’ve received letters from readers ranging from multi-page diatribes to essays titled “Why Men Don’t Have Friends and Why Women Should Care.” While I’d love to share them all with you, I’ve selected some of the finer excerpts from the freaky and frustrated fans out there. (All letters have been edited for brevity.) Today I took a short trip. I accompanied my wife for a follow-up appointment from surgery. While I waited I noticed a paperback magazine laying...

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On the couch

Jeannie Greeley — Fri, 25 Jul 2008 17:16:00 GMT

… with a sexwriting Instructor “The fingers went under the elastic of the panties moan moan moan moan moan went Hoyt as he slithered slithered slithered slithered and caress caress caress caress went the fingers until they must be only eighths of inches from the border of her pubic hair — what’s that!” This was a very good example of very bad sex writing offered by novelist and teacher Yael Goldstein Love in a recent class, Writing Sex Scenes, at Boston’s Grub Street. I’m not...

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Wed Case

Jeannie Greeley — Thu, 10 Jul 2008 20:04:00 GMT

Gay nuptials are a wonderful step forward. So why do they make me a little melancholy? “How old are you again?” my father asks, surveying the black-and-blue arms and legs that I’m proudly showcasing. “Dad, I’m gay!” I remind him. “I’m allowed to live in a state of perpetual adolescence.” True or not, it’s a good defense for most scenarios. This particular circumstance required explaining the battle wounds I sustained at a gay wedding when my friend and I attempted to perform a Dirty Dancing...

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Mirror, mirror on the wall

Jeannie Greeley — Mon, 23 Jun 2008 19:37:00 GMT

When it comes to beauty, why must women compete? I have just returned from what is perhaps the sexiest event on the planet: the Cannes Film Festival, otherwise known as 10 days of aesthetic excess that makes Old Hollywood seem new again. It’s a worldwide amalgam of beauty and fame that leaves other glamorous events in its wake. I’m someone who thinks In Touch magazine is better suited as toilet paper, yet I have to admit I was completely taken in by the magnificent maelstrom. You...

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Disappearing Acts

Jeannie Greeley — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 19:35:00 GMT

Why is it so hard for people to have a relationship and a social life? My friend asked for an annoying favor the other day. She wanted to know if I would take out the one other lesbian she knows, because the woman is going through a bad breakup and has no semblance of a social life. Vulnerable, sad, lonely woman? Just my type. I hate this predicament for two reasons. 1) It makes me feel like a “token lesbian.” 2) It validates my theory of relationship hibernation. My first cynical thought...

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In the sack: letters from readers

Jeannie Greeley — Fri, 30 May 2008 19:40:00 GMT

Lately, I’ve been receiving a lot of emails about things like medical conditions and relationship struggles. I am not a doctor, a therapist, or a “sexpert,” though I could probably use the services of all three. But I will do something rare in this month’s “In the Sack” and attempt to address your inquiries with a bit of seriousness. Don’t worry: this is just a phase. At least that’s what my parents keep saying. (All letters and identities have been edited.) Help! I need advice. I’m dating...

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Friends with no benefits: why do I need my exes to like me?

Jeannie Greeley — Mon, 19 May 2008 18:39:00 GMT

A few weeks ago, I got a scathing phone call from an ex. My offense this time? I wasn’t around to rub lotion on her back. “You are never there when I need you!” she howled. From lube to Lubriderm in such a short time, with so many feelings crushed along the way. Soon after, I attended her birthday party so she could perform her ritual of degrading me in front of her riends and treating me like the ingrate I am for leaving her dry between the shoulder blades. This was followed by a...

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